Nudge
Original writing: June 2021Last modified: June 2021
You see that kid there waking up all groggy? Let's try her.
This one right here? And why are you smiling like that? You usually hate this job.
Yes, she seems like as good a choice as any, doesn't she? I'm only smiling because you're around, Sanders. You're the only one who makes me feel this way.
Bullshit. You only smile when you're reading those love stories in the break room.
You know I like my daily Julia Quinn. ...Don't make that face at me, she is a true artist..
Right, yes. Let's hang her books right next to that golden toilet in the Guggenheim Museum. It'll replace the toilet paper.
Very funny, Sanders. See, this is why I'm always *so happy* when I'm around you!
...And I only hate this job when we fail, which is most of the time.
Right, and let's change that today. Which one again?
This one right here. She's waking up, looks pretty confident, she has an oral presentation today. She's on her way to the bathroom. Awaiting orders.
Perfect! Let's start with a stubbed toe, she's walking really close to that desk!
Sliding desk in front of toe!
OH! That's gotta hurt! Haha, nice one! Quick, move that potted plant a little closer to the edge there while she's jumping on one foot!
Moving plant! Shifting her weight towards it...
Come on... Just a little more...
That pot looks really expensive. Maybe we give her a break on this one?
A break? We just started!
We do have all day, you know.
Don't be a baby, Lambert, just tip her over already! ...Go on!
...Sending dog to tip her over. Oh man, her mom looks pissed.
Trip the mom in the stairs. Trip the mom in the stairs!
Putting Lego brick in the stairs.
Lambert, you're diabolical! She's so mad, look at all that yelling. There's no way this girl stays calm for her presentation. I'd be mad at my mom ALL day after that!
If I was the mom, I'd be mad at Lego all day for inventing bricks.
Look at all this chaos. Check it out, the dog is eating the plant now.
Oh no, doggy, don't do that!
Yes doggy, oh yes! Where's dad? We can't let dad interfere. Got any more Lego bricks?
Dad, dad, dad... I don't see a dad.
Wait, there's no dad?
Nope, no dad in sight.
Oh...
...Now can we give them a break?
...Sure. Let's take five, I want to drink some water.
Okay. Slow down there, I'm coming with you. Do you think Emily is here today?
Emily is here every day, Lambert. And everyone already knows you like her.
Do you think Emily has a dad?
What? Of course Emily has a dad. ...Look, if you want, I'll even ask her out for you.
How do you know she has a dad?
Because she looks too happy to not have a dad. ...Look at Lorne over there, he's super happy, and he has a dad. How about Armstrong over here, not only does he have strong arms, he's also happy that he's got a dad. Now look at us, we're clearly miserable, and guess what? We don't got dads.
I have a dad.
What? Why do you always look so miserable if you have a dad?
He's not a good dad.
Oh. Maybe we can put some Lego bricks under his foot later. ...There's that smile! That's the one I was looking for!
It's unfortunate that we can't do anything to him cause he's not in the simulation, but it would serve him right for leaving my mom alone like that. No one deserves to be alone.
I know! That's why you should go talk to Emily!
...Stop hiding your face in the water fountain and let me drink a little...
How about we make a deal? I ask Emily out...
And...?
...and you let me do something in the simulation today.
Do what?
Something our department doesn't normally do.
You know we can't do anything big in the simulation right? Last time someone brought some dead guy back to life because he *really* liked his beard, and this whole religion got started over it. They called it "Christianity".
Don't worry, I know we can't do anything like that.
...Okay. I want to watch you ask Emily out though. See the fruit of my hard work. You know it's totally because of me that you're going to ask her out.
Nope, it's not you. It's Julia Quinn.
It's not though. You know it's not. I can see you hiding that smile!
Sit down, come on. We have work to do.
...Fine. Where is our subject at?
School, finally. Look at that, she's preparing for her presentation!
Lots of cue cards. Color coded, too. Cute. ...I think she's going up next.
Did you see what that guy just did there? He wished her good luck!
The guy with the red shirt? That's going to be me right before you ask Emily out.
Hilarious... Are her legs shaking?
...I'm not sure, but look closely at her eyes. She looks a little sad, but it's almost like she's using that sadness to get her point across. WOW, she's talking about global warming!
Get out! Passionate about global warming? Should I add her to the list right now?
No. Let's see how it ends. We don't know that she's into science yet.
...She's done. The teacher seems impressed. Red shirt guy is totally beaming at her!
Forget about that guy! Where in the world is she going?
...I don't know.
...Oh! The bathroom.
...Maybe we should turn around?
Dude, come on.
...Oh, she's crying!
Crying? She just nailed her presentation!
...Sanders. I'm going to cash in our deal now.
...You're smiling again, Lambert. Stop smiling like that, you're scaring me!
Don't worry, I think I know what I'm doing. See our friend in the red shirt? He understands what just happened to our subject. See how he's looking at the door all the time?
He's not even listening to the other presentation.
Exactly. Let's give him a reason to leave. Triggering nosebleed!
Ha! That always works.
Look at the teacher - panicking! She's going to send him off!
Where are you sending him?
You'll see. Our girl is leaving the bathroom, perfect! Now for the pièce de résistance! The banana peel!
That WORKS? She actually slipped... Oh my. He's helping her up.
...Shit. But his hands are full of blood. He's dripping blood all over her!
...Is she laughing?
She IS laughing! Haha, YES!
*Wow*. THAT was your plan? Writing your very own Julia Quinn story?
...I'd say it looks more like Twilight at this point.
With all that tasty blood flying around, I'd say he's about to get his head ripped off.
Heh.
...Hey, check it out, the rest of the class is going to chemistry class.
So she is into science?
Sure seems that way... Come on, let's add this girl to the list. I want to see you ask Emily out.
Are you sure you don't like love stories? You sure seem interested in mine.
Only because yours is such a mess.
Not for much longer.
That's only true if she says yes!
She'll say yes.
Wow, look at you! Confident and taking action like you're John Wick! It's almost like you have a dad!
I *do* have a dad!
If this goes well, you'll have two!